Saturday, July 2, 2011


"My Day With The Actor John Lithgow"

By Rupert Pinstripe

For many years I have admired The Actor John Lithgow. His performances in such films as "Harry and the Hendersons" and "Buckaroo Bonzai" have made me laugh and cry and feel joy scarcely experienced in the proceedings of my usual, day-to-day life. I've spent many hours enjoying his silly antics on "3rd Rock from the Sun" and being educated as he introduced the "American Cinema" documentary series for PBS.

I have always wanted to know The Actor John Lithgow up close and personal, to learn from him the secrets to living a spectacular life. Needless to say, was I ever surprised when one morning I got a special telephone call!

I was just trimming my rubber plant when all of a sudden I heard the familiar ting-a-ling of my telephone. I answered with the usual excitement I feel when an old or new friend gives me a call. My mind raced through the infinite possibilities that this call might provide. For all I knew, it could be a job offer to become a zoo keeper, or a call telling me I'd won a million dollars, or a famous physicist who wanted me to participate in an experiment. Who would have guessed the actual call was a thousand times better than all those things combined!

"Hello?" I asked.

"Is this Rupert?" the voice asked in reply.

"Yes, this is he." I said.

"Rupert. This is The Actor John Lithgow and I would like to spend the day with you!"


I was given instructions to meet him at the local park, where we would begin our day together.

An hour later, I approached the appointed meeting place, barely able to contain my glee. Then, I saw the bench where he told me to meet him and...there he was! The Actor John Lithgow himself was there, waiting just for me!

"Hi, Rupert." he greeted me, smiling warmly.

"Hi! I'm your biggest fan!" I said.

"Sit down." He patted the spot on the bench next to him. Suppressing a squeal of joy, I sat down.

"I'm always happy to answer questions for my fans. Would you like to ask me any questions?" he asked.

"Sure! How do you psych yourself up for a role?" He smiled at me.

"I pretend I'm the character I'm playing. That makes me feel like them and then it is like I become them. It is fun to become other people. Now, another question?"

"What was your favorite role?"

"I loved playing Mr. Kurtz in 'The Advertisement.' That was fun."

"I've never seen that movie..." I admitted. His smile turned into a frown.

"I thought you were a fan, Rupert. I thought you were my friend."

"I am! I am! I've just never seen that movie. I'm sorry!"

"You may ask one more question."

"Okay, um..." I was nervous, talking to my personal hero.

"Are you going to ask a question or not?!" he demanded to know.

"Yes! Who is the best actor or actress you've worked with?"

"Florence Lawrence."

"When did you - "

"I will ask YOU questions now!" he said in a harsh whisper. Wow, I thought, my hero wants to ask ME questions!

For a few minutes, The Actor John Lithgow stared at the children playing on the playground a few feet away from us. He smiled as he watched them. Finally, he spoke again.

"Rupert, if you died, how long do you think it would take for your parents to forget about you?"

"I guess I really don't know." He hissed at me.

"New question," he growled, "do you ever wish you were a woman, or at least that you had lady parts?"

"I never wished that." I told him.

"I do. I wish I could make babies. I wish I could make a million babies. I wish I could make a million babies. They'd all be mine. All be mine."

He sighed. Then, his smile returned.

"It's lunch time. We ought to have lunch. Are you hungry?"


He pulled out something rolled up in aluminum foil.

"This is a sandwich. Eat it." I took it and unrolled the foil. Inside there was a sandwich with a mixture of strange gooey stuff in it. He smiled at me as I began to eat. It seemed to really please him to see me eat.

"I want to show you something." He grabbed my hand in his and I felt my heart flutter. I was about to throw the remainder of the sandwich away but he shook his head to tell me no, and I kept eating it and he started smiling again. He led me into the bathroom. It was dirty in there. He brought me into the last stall and pointed at something REALLY WEIRD in the toilet. It was gooey and purple and green and MOVING.

"This is mine, Rupert," he said, almost giggling as he locked the door behind us, "I made this. I made all of this. How do you feel?"

"I feel bad." I said. The sandwich had made me feel sick. I thought I was going to vomit but the next thing I knew I passed out.

I woke up lying on a stained mattress on the floor of a dirty apartment. My shirt and underpants were gone, but I was still wearing my jeans. The Actor John Lithgow was licking my exposed nipple.

"Do you like how it feels?" he asked.


"Do you wish I could be your mother? Your brand new mother?" he laughed as he spoke.


"I wish I could. I wish I could just roll you up into the shape of a baby and eat you and then give birth to you all over again. Then you'd be mine forever. Mine forever. Forever."

He cupped his mouth over my nipple and began to suckle so hard that it hurt. Then he bit it so hard that it bled and I screamed. He laughed. Then he began sucking again, sucking up the blood. After a while, he ceased and looked at me with a serious expression on his face.

"Do you ever wonder what happens after you die, Rupert? Wouldn't you like to know?"

Suddenly his smile grew so wide that I thought it would tear apart the nerves in his face. His teeth were exposed, big and jagged and sticking out of his mouth. The long, thick black hair on his face was brushed back behind him. I felt his massive, red hands caressing my cheeks.

"So pretty, you're so, so pretty..."

I gasped as I saw his eyeballs begin to protrude so far out of his skull that I thought that they might fall out entirely. Somewhere in the distance I heard what I thought was the cry of a horse.

It was then that I realized that this might not be The Actor John Lithgow. 

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