“Local Cow Moos Forever”

 

“Local Cow Moos Forever”

 

By Rupert Pinstripe

 

Originally published in

 

“The Daily Flyleaf”

 

Ann Arbor, MI

 

July 15^th, 2014

 

“CARLETON, MICHIGAN – The Red Lactose “Redlac” Dairy Farm, southeast of Ypsilanti,

Michigan, is a place known for its “down home” atmosphere, fun farm tours, delicious dairy products, visually disorienting website, and quaint country store.

 

Since 1976, however, it has been known for something else, something that has quite literally disrupted the quiet calm of the nearly 70 year old dairy farm: a cow that “moos forever.”

 

2016 will mark the 40^th straight year that the farm’s very own Beppy the Cow began her seemingly endless moo. The story of how this bizarre and miraculous event began is one well-known to Carleton locals, but virtually ignored by the press outside of Michigan.

 

On a frosty February morning in 1976, farmer Stewart Williams awoke to a sound not at all unusual: the moo of one of the many dairy cows on his farm. But what normally should’ve ended after approximately 3 seconds stretched on into 5 seconds, then 8 seconds, then 13 seconds, then 21 seconds, then 34 seconds, then 55 seconds, and then before he knew it, an entire minute had passed.

 

“At first, I didn’t know what was wrong. I knew something was off,” Williams said, “but I couldn’t identify it. It was just so strange I couldn’t even accept it. I stood at the window, staring out at the field, wondering what was happening.”

 

As one minute turned into two, and two minutes turned into three, Williams, still unsure of what he was hearing, hastily dressed and, just in case, loaded his shotgun. What he found as he entered the barn, however, was not threatening. Instead, whatever fear of the unknown he felt transformed into pure confusion.

 

“There was ol’ Beppy,” Williams said in his first interview shortly after the discovery, “standing in her stall in the barn. And she was mooing. Nothing too strange about that, except that moo just kept on going and going. Like she was a record what got stuck on a loop. ‘Cept, well, the moo was too smooth to even sound like that. ‘Twas like the moo was just…stuck.”

 

It didn’t take long for Williams’ children, wife, and farmhands to join in his awe over this strange anomaly of livestock.

 

“A cow’s moo shouldn’t last that long,” said Billy Williams, Stewart Williams’ then-seven-year-old son. “It should only last for like a couple seconds or something.”

 

“I ain’t never heard nothin’ like that before,” said Jack Bopes, farmhand.

 

“It’s a miracle. It’s just, I ain’t really sure what kind of miracle it is,” said Elaine Williams, Stewart’s wife. “I’ve milked Beppy plenty of times and I ain’t never heard her moo for more than 10 seconds, tops.”

 

Those sentiments remain today, though the Williams family has grown used to Beppy’s ceaseless noise. They do, however, marvel at her longevity, over twice that of a typical dairy cow, all the more impressive considering that she hasn’t stopped to eat or drink once in forty years.

 

A small ceremony will be held at Redlac Dairy Farm to commemorate Beppy’s marvelous achievement. Though interest from the stewards of the Guinness World Records hasn’t been forthcoming in the past four decades, Mayor Sandy Duncan will present Beppy with a plaque commemorating her achievement, and the entire Williams family will be granted pardons for any outstanding convictions.

Beloved Local Blues Performer, “White Noise” Jones, Dead at 103

 

The Daily Flyleaf, 9/3/2025

 

By Rupert Pinstripe

 

Beloved Ann Arbor blues musician “White Noise” Jones died today at the ripe old age of 103. A guitarist, singer, and songwriter, “White Noise” was known for writing many locally popular originals such as “My Muffin’s Got a Hole In It,” “I Cried a Blue Thousand Miles,” “Sour Milk Serenade,” and “Funky Mule Two-Step.” But local blues legend Jones is best remembered not for his performance of any of these songs, but rather for the unique sounds which gave him his name: every single performance by Jones produced only the static sound of white noise.

 

Jones fascinated onlookers, medicinal professionals, and scientists alike, as his performances appeared visually typical and even appeared to be (based on visual analysis of his finger and mouth movements) performances of blues standards, yet the only sound ever heard emanating from him was white noise. No matter the variations in his playing or singing, only white noise was ever heard. While various efforts were made by professionals in various scientific communities to study and explain this phenomenon, no cause has ever been determined.

 

Despite the peculiarity of “White Noise” Jones’s particular brand of music, the artist himself (who liked to be called a “blues-man and gee-tartist”) never offered any explanation of his unique sound, nor did he seem particularly aware of it. When questioned directly, he implied he had no idea what was being referred to. His typical response was simply that he “liked to play [his] music. Words know to be spoken, and when. You can’t choose it. Magic knows its own way, and you are the road. You’re lucky when it travels ya.”

 

In later years, Mr. Jones’ began emitting white noise constantly, rendering him incapable of standard communication via speech.

 

A tribute concert is being organized at the Kutchar Ballroom in the Catalan Mélange restaurant, featuring covers of his songs as well as, of course, lots of white noise. Condolences have come from far and wide, from local musicians like Dog Stephens, who said “White Noise knew the real word,” to internationally renowned noise artist Blasé, who said “I still hear him. I will, always.” Local television show host and personality Jeremy Kellerman said of Jones “he was one of the greatest guests to ever appear on The Jeremy Kellerman Advice Hour. After hearing him play, I could not stop smiling for two weeks straight. The hospital bill was worth it. Rest in peace, Mr. Lowe [sic].”

 

Flowers may be sent to Danson and Sons Funeral Home in Ann Arbor.

 

UPDATE:

 

Danson and Sons Funeral Home has requested that no more flowers be sent, as, hours after burial, Mr. Jones’s corpse apparently exploded, scattering flowers all over the cemetery. Volunteers are requested for cleanup once the cause has been ascertained and safety is assured. Authorities know of no prior incidents of the spontaneous combustion of a corpse. Please wear thick clothing.

“Mentally Ill Woman Escapes Police Custody” The Daily Flyleaf, 6/11/1996

“Mentally Ill Woman Escapes Police Custody”

 

Originally published in

“The Daily Flyleaf”

 

June 11^th, 1996

 

“Ann Arbor, Michigan –

 

Ann Arbor Police Chief Darren McAvoy reported a highly unusual situation in their holding cells on June 7^th, when a woman who was apparently mentally unbalanced managed to escape temporary confinement under mysterious circumstances.

 

The woman, believed to be homeless, was found in a disheveled state on June 6^th on Windmill Way, near the scene of the fatal crash that killed beloved Daily Flyleaf reporter Victoria Kellerman. Initially questioned as a witness in the investigation of the tragic incident, the woman, identifying herself as Stefanie Gunderson, was helpful before “babbling a lot of nonsense” according to Chief McAvoy. Before she was taken into police custody, “Gunderson” reportedly began repeating the chorus of the song “Once in a Lifetime” by hit 1980s band Talking Heads.

 

She was held overnight, as she was considered a danger to herself or others, while potential caregivers were sought. No family could be identified. The woman calling herself Stefanie Gunderson had an Ann Arbor, Michigan driver’s license bearing the name given; however, the license was determined to be fraudulent as it bore an issue date nearly thirty years in the future. In addition to the fraudulent license, the so-called Stefanie Gunderson was also in possession of a strange, apparently inactive electronic device bearing a logo similar to that of Apple Computers. The woman displayed extreme agitation when the device was confiscated, McAvoy said, repeatedly stating that the device needed to be charged.

 

While locked in a secure cell overnight, the woman calling herself Stefanie Gunderson apparently vanished between guard checks at midnight and 1 AM. Her cell was still locked, and the sole exit from the holding cells had remained under close watch all night. No sign of forced entry or exit from the building was found. Chief MvAvoy is asking anyone with information on this most unusual incident, or information on the whereabouts or background of the escaped woman, to please come forward. The woman is described as being in her early 30s, slightly overweight, with brown hair worn in a ponytail and dark circles under her eyes. She was last seen wearing a gray hoodie, white running shoes with velcro fastenings, black leggings, and a t-shirt featuring an image of a green dog character yelling the word “tacos.”

 

In a strange twist to this already strange story, the unusual black rectangular device confiscated from the woman also went missing, even though it was stored securely in an evidence locker. It was replaced by an early 1970s replica of a black rotary telephone of a type commonly used decades earlier, with a tag indicating it was the property of Jeremy Kellerman, widower of the late Victoria Kellerman. The telephone was returned to Mr. Kellerman, who was at a loss to explain the mystery.

“Daily Flyleaf Reporter Victim of Fatal Crash” - Daily Flyleaf 6/9/1996

“Daily Flyleaf Reporter Victim of Fatal Crash”

 

Originally published in

“The Daily Flyleaf”

 

A DAILY FLYLEAF SPECIAL REPORT

 

June 9^th, 1996

 

“Ann Arbor, Michigan –

 

Longtime contributor to The Daily Flyleaf, veteran reporter Victoria Kellerman (neé Mendes), was the victim of a fatal hit-and-run accident in Ann Arbor this week.

 

On June 6^th at 6:06 PM, Mrs. Kellerman was driving from her home on Windmill Way in Saline to the Daily Flyleaf office when she was hit in the rear by a speeding vehicle coming from the direction of the Crescendo Lane cul-de-sac, near Tefffft Park. Mrs. Kellerman’s car, a dark green Ford Pinto, burst into flames on impact and the vehicle and its contents were incinerated. No body was recovered.

 

Witnesses described the unidentified vehicle as a dark green Ford Pinto with an Ohio license plate. One witness reported seeing a vehicle matching that description parked on Concerto Trail near the intersection of Windmill Way prior to the incident, and identified the license plate as one issued in Red River Valley County of southern Ohio. Local police, state highway patrol, and police from Red River Valley County in Ohio are all on alert for the offending vehicle, which should show clear signs of heavy damage on the front, but it has so far evaded notice of law enforcement.

 

The Daily Flyleaf staff is deeply saddened by the loss of Victoria Kellerman, a reporter who has distinguished herself through years of outstanding journalistic achievement, including her Burnie-winning coverage of the unusual neurological conditions afflicting local residents, popular contributions to the research surrounding the legend of the Michigan Triangle, and her celebrated chronicle of the life of Maxine the Bonobo. Always a bright and inspiring presence at the Daily Flyleaf office, Victoria Kellerman was known for her gregarious sense of humor, strict commitment to journalistic ethics, dogged pursuit of the truth, and her various hobbies, including needlework, tennis, and baking. In addition to awards earned for journalistic achievement, Mrs. Kellerman was the recipient of multiple Community Choice Awards for her famous lemon squares.

 

Victoria Kellerman is survived by her parents, Randalf and Edweena Mendes, her sister, Sally Struthers (no relation to the actress of the same name), her husband, local television personality Jeremy Kellerman, and a nephew, Scott Kellerman.

 

Funeral arrangements were held at 1 PM yesterday, June 8^th, at Danson and Sons Funeral Home in Atlanta, Georgia. Those wishing to attend are encouraged to bring a covered dish and a special remembrance of Victoria’s life. We apologize for the inconvenience. 

 

Victoria Kellerman

1963 – 1996

Requiescat en pace”

untitled 12/30/21

Yes it’s true my heart is bleeding

It’s not the ending I would choose

But there is the silver lining

The return of blood to lose

Two Honest Men

Two honest men

Came in from the rain

One said profuse thanks

The other said nothing

They were both honest men

The Signal

I was waiting for the signal

I was waiting for the light

I was waiting for the siren

To come crying in the night

 

I was standing at the ready

I was standing by

My hand was holding steady

Cross my heart and hope to try

 

I was waiting for the rider

Listening for to know

The hour was upon us

That it was not too late to go

 

I was waiting for the enemy

I kept my eyes fixed on the door

I was always looking outside

Awaiting something more

 

I was waiting for the signal

Through each forgotten year

But it always had been crying

The hour was always here