Wednesday, April 2, 2014

"New Local Eatery Astounds Critic" - from THE DAILY FLYLEAF 9/5/13

"New Local Eatery Astounds Critic"

"A Little Taste of Michigan" Column by L. B. J. Cool Dawg

The Daily Flyleaf, September 5th, 2013 [From the Files of the Jeremy Kellerman Advice Hour Archive]

So I been writin this colum for a long-a-- time, and most of the foods I eat taste all plain and sh--. So when I first heard about "Laverne's Discount Oatmeal" in Ann Arbor, I was all like "HE-- NAW! Not another bullsh-- place run by some dumba-- who don't even know how to flip a flapjack." But I couldn't have been more wrong.

When I sat down in Laverne's restaurant, the first thing I noticed was how f---ing cool the menus were. They had this big-a-- picture on the cover of a old barn, you know like red with white stripes and sh--, reminded me of like a White Stripes album cover except the music didn't sound shi--y, and instead of music there was food inside, like music for eating, he-- yes.

Inside the menu, like the average food consumerist is gonna be freaked the f--- out by just HOW DA-- MUCH FU--ING OATMEAL IS IN THERE. When I saw it I was all like "WHAT THE HE--, ALL YOU SERVE IS DA-- OATMEAL? WHO THE FU-- DOES THAT SH--?"

Now at that point I might'a just walked right the fu-- out and flipped Laverne's Discount Oatmeal the big old finger-di--, but I was hungry as sh-- and luckily Laverne herself stepped out of the kitchen at that point. She was all like "Hello there, sonny! In the mood for some oatmeal?" And I'm like "Well I guess I'm hungry enough, I'd prolly eat dogsh-- right now," and she laughed and said "Oh, you youngins'!" you know like a old-a-- grandma says. Then she starts tellin' me about the daily specials (which included free orange juice) and how the deluxe bowl of oatmeal (64 fluid oz., hot fu--ing da--) is on sale for like $4.99 or some sh--. So I says "Hurry yo a-- up, grandma, and pour me a big steamin' pile!"

About 3 minutes and 27.42 seconds later, Laverne comes walkin' through the kitchen door carrying the most BIG-A-- FU--IN' BOWL OF FU--ING OATMEAL I HAVE EVER FU--IN' SEEN. She slams that bad boy down on the table, using all her elderly arm strength, and then she smiles at me like the sweetest old grandma that ever gave her grandkids ice-cold popsicles on a hot-a-- day in the summer, and she says "Now, you tell me if it's too much for you, and I'll get you a to-go bowl."

And I'm all like "FU-- THAT, LAVERNE, FOR ALL I KNOW THIS MIGHT SUCK SERIOUS A--!!!" but she politely assures me that it does not.

So then I hesitantly dip my spoon into this beige mess and, lifting up a heaping spoonful of what very well might've been the most bland, disgusting, shi--y crap I ever ate, I felt like a daddy tryin' to get his dumb-a-- little brat to eat some disgusting Baloney Hut monstrosity by doing that stupid "here comes the choo-choo airplane" bullsh--. But I ain't a stupid kid so I forced myself to shove that drippy pile of melted goblin a-- right in my mouth.






Serious, there ain't absolutely no FU--IN' WAY I can accurately convey to you the sheer level of mind-fu--ing deliciousness that was Laverne's oatmeal. That sh-- was like eatin' a 3-course meal prepared by a team of celebrity chefs, consisting of Emeril Lagasse, Mario Batalli, Anthony Bourdaine, every single Iron Chef, and the immortal soul of Julia Child. It tasted like every good meal I've ever eaten, multiplied by a thousand taste points and somehow blended in a way that actually tastes better than the individual meals that it consists of. It was like being a baby bird and being fed by yo momma when she pukes up worms, except the worms were delicious oatmeal, the baby bird is yourself transfigured into Tom Selleck, and yo momma is God. I mean how in the everloving FU-- do you even give oatmeal that much flavor...he--, how do you give oatmeal ANY flavor?! Laverne is like some crazy-a-- wizard-god that took the form of this old grandma lady to throw us all off, fu--ing sh--. 

I loved that oatmeal so da-- much I didn't even need a to-go bowl. I ate the whole fu--ing thing. I cried with every bite. I mean just wailed, like I just got told I won the lottery and my giant check would be personally hand-delivered by the Pope. Laverne was crying too, happy to see me enjoying her food so much, and we both were just screaming while I gobbled that godly elixir. About halfway through she told me to hang on a minute, then she ran into the kitchen and came back with a little container of cinnamon.

HOLLLLYYYYYY SHHHHH-------------------!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just when I thought the oatmeal couldn't get any better, she sprinkled on some of that cinnamon and it felt like getting into Heaven only to find out you got upgraded to the Honeymoon Suite and you'd get a personal massage from a bunch of enslaved demons that God didn't know what else to do with. I wanted to kiss Laverne's wrinkly old-a-- lady face but I didn't want to give her heart the boom-booms. After all she was born in the Year of Our Lord 18 hundred and 93 and my motto is, everything goes but never get stanky with a bi--h who shared time on this earth with Guy de Maupassant, even if she makes the fu--in' best oatmeal you ever ate.

Whenever I got done slurpin' down the last of that sh-- like it was the final cup of Folger's before they file for Chapter 11 during the Apocalypse, I told Laverne "You are one stone-cold, humongous mega bi--h!"" and that she made the best fu--in' meal I had ever had and that I had BETTER get some more for the road or I was gonna go absolutely super monkey balls ape sh--palooza on her fu--in' quaint establishment.
So after a lot of excited yelling back and forth eventually I got outta there with three industrial-size oil drums (had to go to the factory next door to get them, long story) full of the sweetest nectar this side of Greek mythology.

Then I motored my way over to the nearest medical supply store and started demanding their most accommodating oxygen tank available. I told them I was gonna use it as a never-ending oatmeal funnel, and they said "But sir, it doesn't work that way" and I said HEY, FU-- YOU, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FU--IN' IDEA WHAT SH-- I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

So as I sit here writing this review I am slurping down my second a---load of oatmeal this afternoon and dreaming of when I can go back to Laverne's, re-stock, and get ever closer to infinity beyond the stars. I touch the full spectrum when I eat this sh-- and you just have no idea if you've never done it. Get your dumb unenlightened a-- to Laverne's Discount Oatmeal as soon as your sh---y little legs will carry you and imbibe a fu---ton of oatmeal before I clean out that old bi--h's pantry for real next time. Serious.

Summary: Laverne's Discount Oatmeal is an excellent, small, family-style restaurant with an emphasis on traditional American breakfast fare. The limited seating may be off-putting to those looking for the accommodations offered by larger chain restaurants, but for those willing to put in a little patience, the reward of having breakfast in an authentic country-style diner will be worth the wait. Though the menu is very limited, patrons will find the level of creativity and flavors offered in the different oatmeal dishes to be more than a match for any other bistro in the area. As the name implies, the prices are better than fair as well, making this particular restaurant a perfect place for family breakfast on a budget.


- Friendly service

-Delicious cuisine

- Cozy, intimate atmosphere

- Affordable prices


- Limited hours of operation

- Limited menu

- Limited seating

- The orange juice kinda tasted like rat piss

Kellerman Releases His First Video Game!

Hello, Kellermaniacs!

So I've got some real BIG NEWS for all you Kellerman Buffs out there in Blog Land!

Yes, I know, it's been quite some time since old J-Kels has graced the world with a blog post, but I've been really busy behind the scenes on various projects, and this is one of the biggest!



What is BUTT? Butt is my new, old video-game! What do I mean by "new, old," you ask?

I first designed the game in good old 1983 when I was finishing my B.A. in Communications at Wanetshaw Community College in Dearborn, MI. This was in the pre-"Advice Hour" era, of course. It was just a fun project to exercise my creativity muscles. Like a real muscle, you have to exercise creativity to get this, and some day you can become a creativity heavyweight like me! I wanted to create a video game that reflected my emerging interest in self-empowerment and positive thinking.

The original game was somewhat different than the game you can play today. It was titled "The Angelic Struggle" and featured an Angel of Positivity repelling the materialist, consumerist objects spewed by the Clouds of Despair, using the mighty Bellows of Self-Empowerment. The game was a big hit with my sophomore roomate, a certain Mister David Munson you might have heard of (wink wink!).

However, technology is a temperamental beast. I saved the game on a SAWG-E Flopping Diskette, produced by the Balonatronics corporation (back in the glorious '80s, Balonatronics was a subsidiary of the famous Baloney Hut fast food chain we all know and love). Unfortunately, I never found another computer compatible with it after I got rid of my trust old Rubendo 5000 PCD (personal computational device). Then after my beloved Vickie died back in 1996, I lost track of it.

But you can't keep a good idea down! A couple months ago, Scott was fishing around in some old boxes, looking for hidden treasures among a bunch of Grandma Kellerman's old stuff. What should he find, though, but the original SAWG-E Flopping Diskette by Balonatronics? He passed it on to his whiz-kid pal Johnny Weinstein, and using his incredible electronics skills, he was able to access the original master and sub-ter files!

Under my supervision, the game was updated to reflect the modern era. The name "The Angelic Struggle" was dropped because Scott said it was too outdated. He re-named it "Butt" instead, due to his market research into youth culture and modern gaming trends. Some of the objects in the game were touched up, and some new ones were added, to reflect 2010s sensibilities.

An interesting development occurred when Johnny discovered the licensing agreement of the original Balonatronics diskette I used. Apparently, by using the disk, I was also signing away half the rights to anything saved on the disk to the Balonatronics Corporation. I called in my manager, the always fabulous Lance Erikson, to investigate and sort everything out. Apparently, since Balonatronics now only exists to oversee the properties they created when they were an active company, in lieu of paying them any licensing fees, we made the project a sort of collaboration. All we had to do was credit Balonatronics as the co-producer of the game, along with me, and the Jeremy Kellerman Productions gang. This is great! I get to see my name alongside a beloved fast food giant's subsidiary! To show our thanks for being so easy to work with, we gave Roger Nimrockets, "Mr. Baloney" himself, founder of Baloney Hut, a little cameo in the game. Thanks, Roger!

Our game was finally released on April 1st, 2014, and I couldn't be happier. The PC version is currently available directly from Jeremy Kellerman Productions via this link:

The OUYA version can be accessed here:

Even more exciting, BUTT is a featured OUYA game today, April 2nd, 2014! Wow! A historical Kellerman moment! Yes! I hope soon to see some Let's Play Videos, reviews, and other fun stuff! We're working on an Android tablet release, too!

One last note: like other Kellerman projects, I'm releasing BUTT into the public domain using the Creative Commons Zero Waiver (CC0). This way, even more people will have access to my uplifting wisdom. Share it, friends!

I hope to do some more releases in various mediums in the year still ahead. The Kellerman creativity train can't be stopped! Choooo choooo! Nothing can hold J-Kels down!

Until next time, my friends, as always...

Think well, live well, and be well!
Jeremy Kellerman

Promo for Kellerman game