Saturday, February 26, 2011

Jeremy's Musings 3 - Valentine's Day

So what did everyone get for Valentine's Day this year?

Valentine's was always very special to me. I always end up going all-out and over-exerting myself!

This year I got Deb that new massage chair she's been wanting. I thought I'd send some "good vibes" her way, LOL!

I also imported some chocolate from Vermont. She said she fell in love with that chocolate when we went on vacation there three years ago. I said Hey, honey! You're in love with the chocolate? What about me? Ha ha ha!

Finally, to make the day perfect I got us evening reservations at "Cat Man Melons." It is a French restaurant, I think, and it is renowned here for the romance factor, but nobody can pronounce the foreign name so we just call it "Cat Man Melons." Weird, I know, but that's our town for ya! Also, just to crank up the love vibes, when we were waiting for our food to be served I excused myself to the bathroom, dressed up as Santa Claus and then got the whole big band to come off the stage and play "Beautiful Dreamer." It's a combination of the things she loves that don't last to February; Christmas ends in December, of course, and the annual Stephen Foster Festival ends on January 16th, so I figured I'd get super-creative and combine then! Nobody else could have a more unique experience on Valentine's Day! Deb LOVED it. Hey, whoa, I'm having massive deja vu right now! Have I written this before?

I have to admit though (don't tell Debbie!) I was pretty disappointed with my gift.I got home from the studio to find a bunch of photos from me in high school pasted onto a basket with fake flowers in it. On each photo the word "HOTTIE" was written under my picture. It wasn't even Deb's handwriting! WTF kind of Valentine's Day present is that?!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Jeremy's Musings 2 - I might have caught a bug or something

I was watching "Witches of Beverly Hills" last night on the Kids Network. I love how creative these kids are today!

I really enjoy this show. It has magic and fun and wacky hijinks that remind me of stuff I watched growing up, good old-fashioned joke humor like "I Love Lucy," "Leave It To Beaver" and "My Two Parents!" It is great that kids are watching and enjoying shows like this.

The child actors are so funny and talented, and the people that play their parents are awesome too. The dad is Dom Deluise's son! Whoa! He grew up fast! He's hilarious and makes me laugh.

A weird thing happened though. When I was watching it I felt fine but then when the big fat school principal appeared, the fat bald guy with glasses who likes to dance ho-downs and dresses like a cowboy, when he came on the screen all of a sudden this sharp pain shot through my right arm and then before I knew it I became incontinent. I don't know what happened! I messed all over the sofa! WTF!

I went and saw the doctor after I cleaned myself up and changed pants, and the doctor said THE SAME THING happened to like FIVE other people in my neighborhood! He couldn't tell me who though because of medical privacy law. He said he doesn't know why people would react that way to seeing a particular actor on the screen, he's never heard of anything like it. He knows of Japanese people getting seizures due to flashing strobe lights but never just a reaction to an actor's appearance. The actor wasn't even dancing when it happened! Ugh! Anyway, the doc said there will have to be more tests done on me, the other people and on the show to see if they can figure out what caused this.

I need to go now and make sure I can call someone in to clean/shampoo the couch before Debbie returns from her trip, or else she'll box my ears!

After that I'm going to lay down because I'm POOPED! LOL!

Think well, live well, be well,
Jeremy Kellerman

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Georgia Police Officer Indicted on Charges of Improper Conduct, Brutality - March 20th, 1997

Originally published in
"The Daily Flyleaf"

Issue 207

March 20th, 1997

In Westenra, Georgia this afternoon, disgraced police officer Reynold Tavis has been indicted on charges of improper conduct and police brutality after security camera footage recorded Tavis accosting an African-American male outside of a Seventown Mart gas station/convenience store. While a separate legal battle instigated by the victim, alleging that the act was also a hate crime, is still being processed in the courts, this marks the first time that a formal charge has been made against Tavis.

In addition to a history of questionable behavior on the police force, Tavis has recently incensed the public by ranting during interviews, claiming himself the victim of an "interracial conspiracy scam." When questioned yesterday by a visiting Michigan reporter from WXVH in Ann Arbor about his history of being required to take, but subsequently dropping out of anger managements courses on multiple occasions, Tavis replied "The thing about my job is, what people don't understand, is that it's stressful. I have to be out there beating up and harassing people, especially minorities, 3 days a week, 22 hours a day. It's ridiculous. That kind of effort can make you a little short-tempered, sure, but that would be the case with anyone in my possession." Tavis then made an obscene gesture at the reporter and fled the scene of the interview.

It was reported later that day that Reynold Tavis was involved in an incident in a local packing plant and that he had lost at least one extremity. For unknown reasons, Merle Danson, of Danson and Sons Funeral Home, held a press conference shortly afterwards saying that on behalf of Danson and Sons Funeral Home, he wished Officer Tavis a full and speedy recovery.

[UPDATE]: A message was received earlier this morning, written by someone identifying himself as Reynold Tavis, that reads "THE PIRATES ARE BIODEGRADABLE." More on this story as it develops. 

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Jeremy's Musings - 1

Sometimes when I'm standing up to urinate, at a urinal or just at the toilet at home, I get to urge the laugh. I don't understand this at all. I mean, nothing is objectively or even subjectively funny about urination except maybe in like a certain comedic or humorous circumstance. What causes this? Does anybody out there understand psychology and if so do you have any data that would maybe form grounds for a theory?

I also dream of urinating in trash cans a lot. I guess my dream-self doesn't get that when they call it a "waste" basket they don't mean THAT kind of waste! Haha! Dreams are so weird. The mind is like a baffling, complex series of wires and electricity and math. It just makes me so awed when I think about how much goes into it. And that just makes me even more curious about why mysterious things happen in human behavior, like laughing while you pee. WEIRD.

Beauty is where the heart is - Advice Time # 1

Hey there!

Guess what? It's time for me to get back into my element and write AN ADVICE POST! YEAH! This reminds me of writing my advice column for various Michigan newspapers back in the early '90s. Back then I thought the internet was something you used to dunk a basketball, LOL!

Today's question (MY FIRST ON THIS BLOG!) comes from Mike Steward of NJ. Mike writes:

"Dear Jeremy,

I recently asked a girl I like, Michelle Seward [name changed for privacy] to my 8th grade graduation dance but she told me she was alredy going with this other guy i know, Tim Davis [name changed for privacy]. Tim is really popular and all the girls think he's really cute. I don't think any girls think I'm cute. I asked my older brother Jake about it and he said I'm ugly and shuld get used to it. What should i do? Do I just accept that I'm ugly, or am I just letting other peoples' conceptions of beauty mess up my life? Should I try tobe beautiful? Can you really change? I mean i know ther'es like plastic surgery and stuff but that's expensive and I'm only just about to get into high school. What do I do?

Mike Steward, NJ"

Hi Mike. Let me start by sharing a thought about beauty in the form of a quote from a famous philosopher:

There is no cosmetic for beauty like happiness." - Marguerite Gardiner, Countess of BlessingtonDesultory Thoughts and Reflections (1839), p. 90

Do you see what she's saying there, Mike?

The thing about beauty is that it is like talent: some people have it and some people don't. You can try to get it and you might get it at least partly, but you'll always be fighting an uphill battle. Plastic surgery requires a lot of maintenance. Heck, real beauty requires a lot of maintenance too, so you can imagine how much surgically-created beauty takes. If you're willing to put in the hours, it might be an option, but before you go that route I want you to take a step back and think about this in more of a "big picture" sense.

If you're not beautiful, maybe even ugly, maybe you need to accept that physical attractiveness is NOT your Personal Strength. You've got to find what that is and cultivate it. Maybe you're good at skateboarding or rollerblading. Maybe you can write songs. Heck, maybe you understand computers and will become the next Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. Maybe you'll do them one better and "open the GATES to new JOBS and even CAREERS for a lot of people!"

When you find your personal strength then you can find another person (in your case a girl, or after the appropriate age time, a woman) to share you life with. She probably will not be very beautiful either; that's just how it is sometimes (I say sometimes because sometimes some really strange things happen that even I don't understand, so there's hope for everybody) but you'll find that her personality and Personal Strengths will make you like her so much that you'll forget that she isn't attractive to you.

And don't feel bad for how confusing all of this can be. Life is confusing sometimes. Back when I was in school I asked this girl I really liked, Becky Chalmers, to the senior prom, and it wasn't until later that I realized that a) she wasn't a high school senior, she was a student teacher and b) that 8th graders weren't allowed to attend the senior prom anyway, so even if she'd have said yes it wouldn't have worked. See, even your "old bro" Jeremy takes a ride on the Dumb Train sometimes!

I hope this has helped you, Mike, and remember: beauty is where the heart is, inside you. Let me know if you have any more questions.

Until next time, keep those questions coming!
Think well, live well and be well!
Jeremy Kellerman


Monday, February 21, 2011

The Jeremy Kellerman Blog! Kellerman enters the new era of technology! Hello!

Hi there, folks!

If you watched local access TV in Michigin from 1988 to 1996, you might remember my delightful advice tv show, "The Jeremy Kellerman Advice Hour." This show was a great way to help me deliver advice and positive "vibes" to people throughout Michigan.

I retired in 1996 but began appearing on local tv shows again in 2002, at the behest of my wife Debbie and one of my oldest and closest friends in the industry, David Munson. I guess you could call him my "old bro," LOL! Dave wanted me to appear on his own chat show "Let's Chat! with David Munson" which, MIND-BLOWINGLY, is on the EXACT same set as the one I filmed "The Jeremy Kellerman Advice Hour" on! WHOA! Talk about a deja vu! Dave thought that as I'd experienced a lot of personal growth following a personal tragedy, I should return to the tv world and share what I'd learned about myself and about living and loving. Dave was totally right, it had been far too long since I'd been out "among the people" again on the airwaves.

Since that time I've been writing and working on ideas to revive both my old tv show and radio show, writing new ideas for books, and just enjoying "the good life" with my family. Recently some old friends and coworkers got together and convinced me that as part of my return to active creative work, I should make an archive of my past works online. Thus, The Jeremy Kellerman Advice Hour Archive was borne!

However, I've still got a lot to learn about the internet; technology is always so new and amazing, just incredible! I've got a Youtube channel now ( where I hope to post some Vintage Jeremy, and now I have this blog, too, where I'll post some of my active project material, and answer advice questions JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS! YEAH! I'll also probably get a Twitter soon, as soon as my nephew Scott explains just "WTF" a "Twitter" is, LOL!!!!

So stayed tuned, feel free to drop me a question in the comments or at TheJeremyKellermanArchive (at) [please allow 3-10 months for a reply] and I'll see if I can't show you why so many people enjoyed me and my show way back when! Yeehaw!

Think well, live well, be well!
Jeremy Kellerman