“Local Cow Moos Forever”

 

“Local Cow Moos Forever”

 

By Rupert Pinstripe

 

Originally published in

 

“The Daily Flyleaf”

 

Ann Arbor, MI

 

July 15^th, 2014

 

“CARLETON, MICHIGAN – The Red Lactose “Redlac” Dairy Farm, southeast of Ypsilanti,

Michigan, is a place known for its “down home” atmosphere, fun farm tours, delicious dairy products, visually disorienting website, and quaint country store.

 

Since 1976, however, it has been known for something else, something that has quite literally disrupted the quiet calm of the nearly 70 year old dairy farm: a cow that “moos forever.”

 

2016 will mark the 40^th straight year that the farm’s very own Beppy the Cow began her seemingly endless moo. The story of how this bizarre and miraculous event began is one well-known to Carleton locals, but virtually ignored by the press outside of Michigan.

 

On a frosty February morning in 1976, farmer Stewart Williams awoke to a sound not at all unusual: the moo of one of the many dairy cows on his farm. But what normally should’ve ended after approximately 3 seconds stretched on into 5 seconds, then 8 seconds, then 13 seconds, then 21 seconds, then 34 seconds, then 55 seconds, and then before he knew it, an entire minute had passed.

 

“At first, I didn’t know what was wrong. I knew something was off,” Williams said, “but I couldn’t identify it. It was just so strange I couldn’t even accept it. I stood at the window, staring out at the field, wondering what was happening.”

 

As one minute turned into two, and two minutes turned into three, Williams, still unsure of what he was hearing, hastily dressed and, just in case, loaded his shotgun. What he found as he entered the barn, however, was not threatening. Instead, whatever fear of the unknown he felt transformed into pure confusion.

 

“There was ol’ Beppy,” Williams said in his first interview shortly after the discovery, “standing in her stall in the barn. And she was mooing. Nothing too strange about that, except that moo just kept on going and going. Like she was a record what got stuck on a loop. ‘Cept, well, the moo was too smooth to even sound like that. ‘Twas like the moo was just…stuck.”

 

It didn’t take long for Williams’ children, wife, and farmhands to join in his awe over this strange anomaly of livestock.

 

“A cow’s moo shouldn’t last that long,” said Billy Williams, Stewart Williams’ then-seven-year-old son. “It should only last for like a couple seconds or something.”

 

“I ain’t never heard nothin’ like that before,” said Jack Bopes, farmhand.

 

“It’s a miracle. It’s just, I ain’t really sure what kind of miracle it is,” said Elaine Williams, Stewart’s wife. “I’ve milked Beppy plenty of times and I ain’t never heard her moo for more than 10 seconds, tops.”

 

Those sentiments remain today, though the Williams family has grown used to Beppy’s ceaseless noise. They do, however, marvel at her longevity, over twice that of a typical dairy cow, all the more impressive considering that she hasn’t stopped to eat or drink once in forty years.

 

A small ceremony will be held at Redlac Dairy Farm to commemorate Beppy’s marvelous achievement. Though interest from the stewards of the Guinness World Records hasn’t been forthcoming in the past four decades, Mayor Sandy Duncan will present Beppy with a plaque commemorating her achievement, and the entire Williams family will be granted pardons for any outstanding convictions.

Beloved Local Blues Performer, “White Noise” Jones, Dead at 103

 

The Daily Flyleaf, 9/3/2025

 

By Rupert Pinstripe

 

Beloved Ann Arbor blues musician “White Noise” Jones died today at the ripe old age of 103. A guitarist, singer, and songwriter, “White Noise” was known for writing many locally popular originals such as “My Muffin’s Got a Hole In It,” “I Cried a Blue Thousand Miles,” “Sour Milk Serenade,” and “Funky Mule Two-Step.” But local blues legend Jones is best remembered not for his performance of any of these songs, but rather for the unique sounds which gave him his name: every single performance by Jones produced only the static sound of white noise.

 

Jones fascinated onlookers, medicinal professionals, and scientists alike, as his performances appeared visually typical and even appeared to be (based on visual analysis of his finger and mouth movements) performances of blues standards, yet the only sound ever heard emanating from him was white noise. No matter the variations in his playing or singing, only white noise was ever heard. While various efforts were made by professionals in various scientific communities to study and explain this phenomenon, no cause has ever been determined.

 

Despite the peculiarity of “White Noise” Jones’s particular brand of music, the artist himself (who liked to be called a “blues-man and gee-tartist”) never offered any explanation of his unique sound, nor did he seem particularly aware of it. When questioned directly, he implied he had no idea what was being referred to. His typical response was simply that he “liked to play [his] music. Words know to be spoken, and when. You can’t choose it. Magic knows its own way, and you are the road. You’re lucky when it travels ya.”

 

In later years, Mr. Jones’ began emitting white noise constantly, rendering him incapable of standard communication via speech.

 

A tribute concert is being organized at the Kutchar Ballroom in the Catalan Mélange restaurant, featuring covers of his songs as well as, of course, lots of white noise. Condolences have come from far and wide, from local musicians like Dog Stephens, who said “White Noise knew the real word,” to internationally renowned noise artist Blasé, who said “I still hear him. I will, always.” Local television show host and personality Jeremy Kellerman said of Jones “he was one of the greatest guests to ever appear on The Jeremy Kellerman Advice Hour. After hearing him play, I could not stop smiling for two weeks straight. The hospital bill was worth it. Rest in peace, Mr. Lowe [sic].”

 

Flowers may be sent to Danson and Sons Funeral Home in Ann Arbor.

 

UPDATE:

 

Danson and Sons Funeral Home has requested that no more flowers be sent, as, hours after burial, Mr. Jones’s corpse apparently exploded, scattering flowers all over the cemetery. Volunteers are requested for cleanup once the cause has been ascertained and safety is assured. Authorities know of no prior incidents of the spontaneous combustion of a corpse. Please wear thick clothing.