"Satan, Lord of Hell, Dies of Diphtheria"
Originally published in
"The Daily Flyleaf"
Ann Arbor, MI
July 14th, 1954
"LONDON, ENGLAND - Satan, the Lord of Hell and bringer of Eternal Damnation, has died, say sources close to the fallen angel.
According to Daniel Kingston, publicist and manager for Satan's much-anticipated tour of Europe, the Dark One contracted diphtheria while having a swim in Belgium's famous Lake Ponché. After initially complaining of a headache, Satan appeared fine until he collapsed while having dinner with the Mayor of Brussels and other local dignitaries, says Kingston. He was rushed to London for treatment but died just after his plane landed.
Satan began his long career under the name of Lucifer, serving as an angel of the Lord in Heaven. However, the ambitious young go-getter soon struck out on his own, transforming the once lifeless caverns of Sheol into Hell, a fiery pit of unending suffering for the souls of the damned.
Satan's rise to prominence was not without controversy. Many have accused him of bringing about "Original Sin" and the Fall of Mankind, citing the Biblical account of the temptation of Adam and Eve as evidence of Satan's guilt. Satan, however, always maintained that the serpent referred to in Genesis was simply "some random, talking snake . . . who just felt like being an a**hole that day." Further, Satan claimed that he simply took advantage of the situation for his own ends, an action that fully complied with Satan's well-known philosophy.
Political and religious figures the world over have spoken out on the death of the controversial spiritual leader.
Pope Benedict, giving a statement in-between the games of the annual clerical competition The Catholic 500 currently being held in Barcelona, condemned Satan's actions and reputation, saying that the Evil One had "set a very bad precedent for both humans and angels, and [he] certainly put a lot of undue stress on both God and the Church. We'd have been much better off if he'd never existed."
"I have never met Satan nor have I been aware of his influence on anything or anyone in particular. We're actually very different people, please don't make this mistake again." said Asian spiritual guru Buddha.
Minister Rat Pobertson, founder of the "1700s Club" Puritan television channel, also spoke of Satan's demise on his morning newscast:
"We're all very sorry to hear this. He was our most beloved scapegoat, and a real sport. I don't think we'll ever see another one like him." Becoming emotional, a teary-eyed Pobertson added "He left us, just like that . . . without even saying goodbye, woosh, he's gone, hauled his gay a** down to Mexico..." A hotline was later set up to counsel those bereaved by the news or confused by Pobertson's statements.
Local Michigan pastor Reverend Arnold Fuzz said, in a brief phone conversation, that he hoped that Satan's death would bring about a new era of peace and that it would also discourage littering, which he said was a particular problem in his neighborhood.
Satan's original employer and later adversary, God, has remained silent since the passing of the former angel. Rumors have circulated that, without Satan to act as antagonist, God may decide to abandon the universe.
The denizens of Hell, too, were predictably upset by the death of their leader. Speaking exclusively to The Daily Flyleaf, noted demon Belial had this to say:
"He was like a brother to me. If he was a woman, I'd a ****'d him. In fact, I did **** him a few times, and, gosh darn it, he was a real gentleman about it, putting up with me like that. I'm not sure what we'll do next. It won't seem like home without him. We're all coping in different ways. I'm about to have a ménage-a-tois with Genghis Khan and Hitler. You're welcome to join."
Beelzebub, rumored to be a possible successor to Satan, also spoke out:
"He was a dear friend. If I am chosen to replace him, I can only hope to do one-fourth of the job he did. My only regret is that I couldn't have been the one to kill him."
Public memorial services are expected to be announced within two days, and a private service for personal friends and family will be held this evening.
Two minor demons currently residing in Michigan, speaking on condition of anonymity, had this to say:
Demon "A" : "The big guy really held things together. Who knows what will happen next? I only hope that his death serves to remind people that nobody lives forever and you have to live every day to the fullest."
Demon "F" : "I do this in honor of the Dark One."
Demon F then proceeded to transform his own head into that of a stag and caused the interviewer to fall in love is his assistant. Their whereabouts are currently unknown.
NOTE: This version of the article corrects the earlier edition which mis-identified Buddha as Satan's archenemy, Jesus Christ.
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Dedicated to Mr. Chriddof / Mr. Christopher Lyons
Thank you so much for everything.
Think well, live well, and be well, Mr. Sir.
- Jeremy Kellerman